So, Now What

My mentor and I have trouble sleeping. We seem to find clairvoyance in the deep of the night. Which reminds me of a quote our high school principal used to repeat. One by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow about folks who were toiling upwards in the night while their companions slept. I wonder what’s keeping me up now. What am I toiling for? Because I could tell you for free it’s nothing that I can put my finger on.


I wish I was in New York City. Working a second or third job. Hitting up Kevo Wa Majuu on weekends to shoot his Kikuyu comedy skits. You know, just to keep in touch with my ethnicity and prevent the accent from kicking in. I am a pan Africanist and I don’t believe in white supremacy. So I would hate it if I was forced to shun my language. But for the sake of sanity, I will leave this country without twice as much consideration. And I will tell you why.


I love my country and my people. But as it stands now, we can only find joy in the little things on a personal level and nothing major as one unit. From deceitful politicians, to incompetent and unruly public servants, corrupt police…all of it. It proves futile to point out exactly what’s wrong with this country. The media is fucked. That’s why probably you think everything’s rainbows and sunshine as long as you and yours eat, have a roof over your head and can just basically afford some uncommon pleasures. And that’s not the worst news.


The worst news is it’s never getting better. All systems are headed towards maximum disorder. Everyone is just trying to make enough money so that the problems don’t apply to them. It’s chaos in the minds of young people. The old ones are just looking to keep their masks on so they can live a while longer in the hope of seeing their sons and daughters succeed.


I realize now that even this article has no happy ending. Even I hate sob stories. So I find myself wondering what I need to do to make this country a better place. I could pray. But I doubt that a silent whisper to Allah will cut it. (It’s raining though, and the thunder gives a promise of great might) I just wish I could direct the lightening too where it’s needed. (I won’t say where)


But I understand now why we have people like P.L.O Lumumba. People who are not afraid saying the truth. There are also those who are diligent in their duties and also those who are devoted in the service of their country. And also those who try. Like these social media activists who keep promising us a revolution. Or King Kaka and his phenomenal awakening song Wajinga Nyinyi.


All these give us hope. But man cannot live on hope alone. So what now?

Another Love Story

I once read somewhere that love is like swallowing hot chocolate, it takes you by surprise but keeps you warm for a long time. I wanted to believe that more than anything..mostly for the warmth part because, hey, who doesn’t want some love wrapped around them especially in this cold cold world😂.


A friend of mine challenged me to write about this juicy or sour topic depending on how you relate. I don’t back out of challenges easily so here I am. I thought I’d begin this with narrating my love stories. You know the ones that start with smiles at the office, or texting whoever’s online at the middle of the night and finding out they match your energy. Or even the old fashioned ones where you go caveman and approach your crush as they catch a bus or something ☺️( these could go extremely well or you’ll really regret that decision)


But I was wrong. My idea of love goes beyond the silly games people play these days. Call me old fashioned but I don’t think I will ever love three different people in a spun of three months. Sometimes, if I’m brutally honest, I find it hard to accept this kind of love, because fundamentally I think all good things take time 😂. So I find myself waiting for it to simmer and marinate and if it doesn’t, well there is the trash can.


Before you conclude that I’m some heartless moron, allow me to explain myself. I grew up in a society where people don’t talk their feelings out loud. Unless your elder sister is pissing you off and you unload ungodly words on her. Or when your parents learn that you’ve been expelled from school a few months to sitting for your main exams. Then and only then will you get to hear a piece of their mind. Otherwise all this other time you’ll get slapped with ‘mimi hakuna mtu hapa nachukia’ which is the closest to ‘i love you, my children’ most African parents will get. And that’s okay. I wouldn’t want to hear ‘i love you’s from my father. Masculinity issues maybe but pass.


I get love though. I know the feeling I get when my 6 year old nephew calls me to say he misses me. I know the joy i get when I see my friends get it good. I also know the energy I get when I listen to her voice notes. So what’s that if not love? The desire to see someone else happy, even if you’re not the reason they are? That is perhaps the purest form of love. 


Maybe I’m wrong. But if I am, I don’t want to be right 😜. (I hate this love cliche btw)

I Plead The Fifth

A fancy title indeed. You’d think I am an American citizen seasoned in law and arbitration. Not that an American lawyer got anything on me. Just because I hail from a little village somewhere in Africa doesn’t mean I suffer from inferiority complex. I could pretty much swim with the sharks if I wanted to. After all I’m a big fish. But on this one, I stand accused.

Apparently I’m evil incarnate. I’m told I’m the worst influence on those around me. I’m like the fragrance of your side chick that your wife catches anyway no matter how thorough you cleaned up. Yet being caught once doesn’t stop you. You keep dipping your finger in the honey jar.

I’m like a street light. Except instead of flooding your life with light I flood it with darkness. And make you embrace the parts of yourself you’ve been keeping under wraps. It drives you insane, that I’m the only one who makes you feel alive. Because with me you can break all the rules and you’d still be safe.

They say you should walk like a king. Or like you don’t care who the king is. But with me imitation is not flattery at all. You’re either royalty or not. So forgive me if I murdered all these weaklings. It’s in my nature to be strong.

Perhaps I should have chosen a better counsel. Someone who would try masking what I am. Maybe that would make you feel better. Let you find comfort in the decency of a merciful lie. And perhaps even lessen the verdict. Yet I chose me.

But I hope you stop to think. That I knew all along. You can’t have it both ways. And even though I did the bare minimum to inspire your faith, I will not cower now. Let them kill me if they must.

I plead the fifth.

All Rights Reserved.

The Reset Button

Everyone should be able to hit the reset button whenever they want. Take a moment and let that simmer.

You got an annoying partner? Reset. And you’re back in the game. Your boss is a piece of work? Shove the him the middle finger and baaaam!! You’re free.

I am angry. Angry at so many things I have been forced to live with. Courtesy. Pleasantries. Futilities. If you run any business, you’d know how tiresome it is to smile at every potential client that comes your way. Even though what some of them deserve is a face mask adjustment (google former Cabinet Secretary Echesa’s latest incident. I’ll spill the beans, he slapped an election official) or a hi five, right in the face.

If you think I have an unhealthy attitude, try receiving ten calls from the same person in a spun of twenty minutes. I don’t care what you have to say unless you’re asking for my bank details. After which I expect a wire transfer of course. Or  I’m gonna find you and kill you and all your friends.

On the subject of futilities, have you been called babe by someone you don’t want? It’s like being rubbed with stinging nettle. And let me tell you Maina, nothing is as irritating. Now imagine you’re the one doing the calling. You’d be doing a better job counting cars on the superhighway or playing guitar for the goat. (Now I know this is direct translation from Kikuyu but if you catch my drift, I can always do better next time)

My point is, you don’t have to try so hard to achieve conformity. You don’t have to be defined by the things you’ve done or not done. People will think you are stupid because you listen to reggae songs. People will think you have no sense of humor because you couldn’t take a joke, not really a joke but disrespect disguised as a joke.

So if you ever feel trapped, in emoshens*, situations, relationships, this here is a reminder that you can always walk away. Do something different. Be alive. A good friend of mine keeps reminding me there’s gonna be plenty of time to be dead.

So many Buts

I could almost swear you see it in my eyes. But just in case you don’t know what to make of it, I will be blunt. You make me feel things I don’t want to feel. Make me do things I don’t want to do. And I hate and love it in equal measure. And because of all the things leading up to this moment, I chose to be honest. With myself. With you.

If it’s not love, then it’s worse. Because at least, I always thought that love doesn’t try hard. One ought to know when they fall in love. But it’s easier in the movies.  And until you find yourself stuck in the same place, unable to shake off the feels you’d just never know.

I didn’t want it. Hell I dreaded it. But it happened. And as an expert in breaking my own heart, I thought this time I’d do it differently. Swim only in the shallow waters. But the idea of being king in a small village didn’t appeal to me. I wanted to play in the big leagues.

So when you said it was my fault that we don’t talk anymore, I begged to differ. But the weakness in me grew every second. And I let you assume the worst. So much for wanting to live life to the fullest.

Today, as I lay here, all I want is you. But even I know that what I want is second to what I need.

Sad Ninja Hours

1:39AM: You really don’t want to lose sleep when you’re at your friend’s house. It’s a nightmare of sorts. They are sleeping soundly and seem to be having the best of dreams. Idiots. Now you get why they called these Sad Ninja Hours. You just can’t form happy thoughts now. All you remember is people who conned you, friends who became enemies, and people who said you’ll never make it in life. And women who broke your heart.


I stop mid thought to wonder why life is the way it is. Probably one of those girls is drowning in tears too, cause, affairs of the heart. Maybe we are all trying to be strong on our own. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Perhaps even, there’s beauty in taking a low blow courageously. All I know is that would make one hell of a meme. Misery.


1:50AM: I’m logged in Audiomack. Apparently I don’t want to stream new music. Nowadays, save for a few exceptions, new music is trash. Or maybe it has to play several times before you get the flow and gusto. Don’t bite me though, this is just a sleepless man’s opinion. But my friends will tell you Kikuyu oldies always do the trick. Gospel songs or otherwise. I don’t get why else I would be nodding my head if not Philip Kimani. Maybe I will be judged less cause I always appreciated the gospel music. But then the guy who played gospel songs on the car stereo on his way to the interview didn’t get the job😂. Half baked wit. I could give a full lecture on such fallacies. But then you wouldn’t afford my rate card. So pass.


2:00 AM: I am tempted to shout fire so that these people can wake up. After all nothing of consequence happened to those notorious schoolmates who pranked us in the middle of the night. We lost our sleep. And maybe our sense of humor too but did we die? But happy is he who keeps his demons in check. Or vice versa. It would save you numerous beatings.


One of the guys is a politician now. We really should have seen it coming. Maybe all we need to do is accept our true natures. So we can be truly free. On this note, I don’t think there’s any professional requirements for night runners. Alls you need is lack of sleep when others find it in surplus. And the ability to not give a fuck. Cause yo! You’re naked. That’d be one hell of a predisposition.

Goodbye typing. Nature’s calling.

All I Want For Christmas is You

It’s not enough to want something. You must go after it with all the energy you can master. But if it doesn’t want you back, then flee from it because it’s going to kill you.


Personally, sometime back I’d have opted to die. What’s the point of living half a life 👀. What’s life without passion, without spoils, without adventure. I would have chosen to wait at the bus stop for my favorite ride. And not in a poetic way. I would literally stand for hours at the bus stop in town waiting for The Money Team or Selfmade; the two most famous buses in my route. In case you’re wondering, these buses had the best artwork and calligraphy you’d imagine. In my country, they are called Manyanga. Bad Baad Buses. Their speeds, the music, the looks…top of the shelf shit man. If you happened to share a seat with a girl, and requested to pay her fare, she’d be yours..no questions asked. The only problem was affording your own bus fare because they used to charge double the price of the normal, boring, slow and dirty counterparts. To this end, I have a friend who does artwork on matatus. You’d want to check his works…

Billy and Mandy Outering-Buruburu

Anyways, I guess with old age comes wisdom. And with this my friends, I recommend you take the shortest time choosing your poison. Why you would want to torture yourself in the name of perseverance is something I cannot wrap my finger on. ‘Sometimes giving up is the last thing you need to do to realize some greatness’.

What are you holding on for? For how long must you go without that PlayStation5 that you want so bad Kings? And then actually you have to shove it in our faces on the socials with something in the likes of another day without; PS5, the love of my life, a Maserati… Would you rather be dead instead? 


I recently learned that women want a man they can nag repeatedly (Of course they won’t tell you this). They’ll want you to buy them expensive things, feed them, dot on them, fuel their dreams. And all the while, be your whole world. It sounds like a lot of work. But is it? 


Choose your struggles wisely. But remember there’s is no shame is self preservation. And anyone who tells you different is a liar.

The Next Best Thing

Pennsylvania doesn’t even try

It’s past midnight again. My stupid WiFi is not working😡, so instead of wowing myself with uninterrupted internet surfing, I ended up here. I imagine most people would be asleep by now, save for a few exceptions…you know. The likes of me, who will only sleep if they’re tired..or sleep deprived for days 😂…or those who have better things to do.


I find it hard to really focus my thoughts on a particular subject. I mean, not every wild notion I have is genius, but in a spun of one minute, I’ve wondered whatever happened to my old highschool flame. She was cute and all but she didn’t even recognize me when I bumped into her in town sometime back. I’ve also thought about changing my internet provider because, really what kind of life is this? Where you can’t even get value for your money? Not that I have money because if I did, well, this…

Live a little would you!


I wonder why we must keep experiencing this thought loop..it’s like a curse. But then I don’t believe in curses. Neither do I subscribe to the idea that fate and destiny control our every day lives. It’s not like my ancestors have nothing better to do that meddle in the affairs of a disturbed kid…in the middle of the night.


I mean if I could go back in time for like a year, i’d be having the time of my life with the girl next door. I remember her hearty laughs, and soft knocks on my door when she came carrying food, snacks, drinks and popcorn on movies nights. Before you go ahead and judge me, it’s not like I’m lonely right now. I’m just alone. And I wouldn’t even be here were it not for my fucked up internet remember 😂


But for what’s it’s worth, I miss the good times. Which, like any other thing, doesn’t last forever. Sometimes in the past I’ve had a hard time accepting that even the purest unadulterated things must come to an end. For one reason or the other. You vibe with a woman so good, but then you catch unwarranted feels and have to hit the reset button. You thought one thing was working for you until it isn’t anymore. You were jobless before but then land a job that would bore even the mischievous devil himself to death. Your favorite series came to an end. That tout friend of yours that used to give you free rides changed routes. That favorite eatery that you and your friends frequented closed down. 


And there’s nothing you can do about it, other than accept and move on. To what? You might ask? To the next best thing.

Chaos

I’ve been looking for a savior. I’ve been looking for a safe space. A place where I can speak my mind without fear. I’ve been meaning to peel off the mask and lay my frustrations bare. I wanted to feel free. I wanted to be free. But all I found was chaos. And so to chaos I became accustomed to.


So when I was expected to show up, I locked myself in. I chose my words carefully when I should have shot my mouth off. I turned a blind eye when I should have let it all in. I knew they deserved everything that was coming, yet I still sympathized with them.


I enjoyed the chase, when I should have quit while I was ahead. I played the games so well, but with no intentions of winning. In their book I was the hero, but all along I knew everyone is a hero, especially the villains.


I don’t know if it makes sense, but sometimes I can’t decide if I’m the bad guy or the good one. And yet there’s something incredibly interesting in the confusion. But they are still going to judge you. Because everyone’s scared of what they can’t understand. Black and white. But life’s a big bad shade of gray.