Good Morals

The baby is crying so loudly that I actually consider escaping to go sleep on the couch. I know my wife will be furious, so much so that I’d have to go to work on an empty stomach(she will not wake up to make breakfast) The thought of missing breakfast especially in this chilly weather is not alluring so I just burry my head in the covers. She’s trying to calm her down, but all the shushing and stuffing a nipple in the baby’s mouth doesn’t seem to get the situation under control.

I am lucky because naturally, if a mother can’t silence the baby, then the father stands zero chances. This explains why I feel no remorse writing this. Plus there’s no motivation for me to wake up and sit there looking like an idiot. Women can kill you for that also. Funny creatures.

A few months before her birth, I was really looking forward to enjoying the joys of fatherhood. I imagined how it would feel to hold my little baby girl and the things I would do for her. I imagined photoshoots and all sorts of things. I guess no one sold me on the current plan. Screams, interrupted sleep cycles, being sent to warm up food and stuff in the middle of the night. Not my idea of joy man.

Growing up, you’d always hear countless narrations of how you used to be a nuisance baby. My elder sisters would even arm twist you into doing their bidding in the name of ‘unajua vile nilikubeba wewe’ which translates to an exaggerated record in their praise of how they took good care of you when you were a baby. Well, I can only speculate but I guess no one deserves this noise and emotional torture.

My wife though, is a gem. She will not complain at all. Occasionally it kills me when she applauds me for being supportive. I mean I am, but mostly I choose the path of least effort. And you can blame me all you want. Its not my fault I married right.

So what constitutes good morals? It’s knowing you are scum, but doing less and less of scummy behaviour each day innit?

My Loves

Have you ever loved weird things? Not your Webster definition of weird, more like peculiar things. I love an angry acceleration when overtaking a slow driver. You just press the pedal and you can hear the engine roar in response to the command. Twisted thought but it’s why men love their cars. And a few their women.

I love how peaceful it feels to close your eyes while in motion. Kenyan drivers will rarely let you enjoy this much with all the swerving and emergency brakes. Or maybe it’s our government and their ever on construction or pending construction roads. But who’s to blame, I could be rich enough to travel by air.

I love holding a warm mug of coffee in my palms more than I enjoy drinking it. But I wish the same could be said about cuddling, if you catch my drift.

How about blasting some old school gospel music on the headphones as I work on the computer? Then the pivot tables and reports sound like those weapons formed against me that will never prosper. Try the same trick with amapiano and you are screwed.

I love my girls naughty. Not the Loft kind of naughty. More like Jezebel. Baby love me to death. Even if it’s my death. The only problem is that I don’t lift weights anymore. There’s nothing to tear down over here.
Brief things excite me. That’s why this is.. The end.

The Girl I never had.

It’s me again. Shit I sound like Charlie Puth. In my head of course. If I had to sound like him in reality, I’d be making millions off of my sad romantic escapades. But mama nature has other plans. I’m the sad writer who draws inspiration from heartaches and heartbreaks.

So to start this off, is a very revealing title, and unless you are a real nutcase, you can already tell where this is going. No happy endings. It’s the movie where the protagonist dies. I don’t know if you relate, but I hope you don’t. But I’m smart enough to know you do, whether you care to admit it or not.

There’s always that single individual, I don’t know how they make the cut, given the strict standards that you have set out. No one’s going to accept mediocrity so you raise the bar quite high. Then comes this person that kinda flies below the radar. They don’t talk to you as much as anyone else, they don’t even sound remotely invested as anyone else. It’s their photos you always want to see, it’s their memes you always react to and screenshot for further reference. It’s their texts you want to see, and if anyone should know any intimate details about your life, it’s them.

Well, folks. This is no news but they don’t care. You could be in a weird hospital donating a kidney, or you could just be having an uneventful evening but to put it like some biology teacher I used to loathe, ‘the difference is the same’. (Sidenote: I had asked this particular teacher a very clever question 12 years ago. She belittled my concerns with the answer ‘the difference is more or less the same’. I forgave her many times, but I haven’t forgotten have I? Btw I failed terribly in that subject, when she was teaching it. Then I totally aced it when another person was teaching it, catch my drift? (I was the constant)

I think I’m insane 😂, and most of the time I live in my head. Maybe that’s why I don’t pass judgement. Maybe all the people I tried to love never figured out that it was love I was trying to serve not other parts of my body I refuse to mention. So maybe all the heartbreak is all made up. I guess nobody would shy away after knowing. After all the blur has cleared up. And so, I make amends with the part of me that had ceased to yearn for a meaningful connection.

All the girls I never had, I never needed. I think I will make this a mantra. Because that’s the way it is. And unless you are naive, you got to accept this. All those exes, all those potentials who never quite live up to their potential. And don’t get me started on those psychos you thought fit the profile only for you to realise how lucky you were to have actually made it out intact.

So, moral of the story, you might disagree with me here, but trust me, it’s live, laugh and love, with little healthy doses of the opposites.

Permission to die

2:23 am. Being wrapped up in trivialities is perhaps one of the cruelest things you’d have me do. I’m an artist, but in this game, we don’t get no gold medals. We just have to dish out our madness in healthy doses. The last thing you want is suffocating your audience with conflict. I wish I’d call this post nut clarity, but it’s clear regardless…Hell is empty, and all the devils are here.

Have you any idea how wonderful it feels to know. And to accept that among all other things I might be an angel after all. Yes me. With my crooked spoilt ways. And I think I should hang for sitting on this information for as long as I did. And because I am master of my fate, I have chosen to be the angel of death.

I still want you to dispense with the truth. There’s nothing quite like the admission of defeat. I still want you to be strong enough to be a worthy opponent. But victory has already defeated you. You are weak.

And once you are on your feet once again, then, you have my permission to die.

Mayday mayday!

I like my coffee with two sugars…and two coffees. If I’m not on the A team, no matches will be played. I’ll still get the butterflies when I am talking to my crush. But ask Gottfried, he’ll tell you crushes are stupid. The hormones are setting you up for failure. That’s why you have tongue ties, or perhaps you say stupid things. Me? Well, I say extremely clever things. Because I’m a chameleon, I conquer every environment.

Oh look at him, shameless isn’t he? You better back up. Because we are crashing today. And no amounts of fuck are going to be enough. You could sound all the alarms, but no one is coming to save you. Forgive all those who told you you are going to make it. Because they lied to you. They chose the lesser evil. Call them out. It’s the only chance you get.

One thing we know about oppressed people, the idea of freedom is opium. They hope. Against all odds. Wake up and ride the wave son. Die for a course. We are not going to remember you, but you’ll die a hero.
I once hit a football so far, all my mates were envious. That was in my imagination. I cannot play football and even if I could, I’d choose the best position… spectator. Call me Sensei.

Mayday! Mayday! I’m not sleeping anymore. Songs I used to like sound so silly now. The bridges they warned me not to burn were the very first ones I lit up. I am a rebel just for kicks. People I thought I couldn’t live without, I don’t think of anymore. I have no memory of things that used to get to me. And if I hit my head on a wall to get here, please don’t fix me.

I am the Night

Yes. These hours will have you thinking the most weird thoughts. I have often wondered why I find it easy to think autonomously at night. My thoughts are uncorrupted but ungodly. And for that I have no one else to blame. Perhaps, as you can tell, I might as well be a cow during the regular hours of the day, because I don’t often come up with any content. Tonight though, I was already asleep, when the archangel decided to remind me of my short term goals. Well not the kind that your average Jennifer asks you during your first date. Just some intentional things I had committed to doing that past month.

It goes without saying that I never achieved none of them, but I thought I’d share some of the wisdom I stumbled upon in my quest to marry capitalism.

First, you gotta sell your soul. Just kidding. But sell everything that makes you miserable. Even if that thing is your boyfriend. I have lived long enough to see lots of people hold on to things that don’t serve any meaningful purpose in their lives. If you have ever had to use a broken phone, or wore a torn underwear just cause no one is looking then this is for you.  You’ll never know what else life has to offer if you keep getting stuck in the same place.

Negotiate- learn bargaining skills. You’d be surprised how much you can get out of people if only you’d speak their language. Tsk. Tsk.

Consider DIY fixes– Sometimes when I have no money for lunch, I imagine a lump sum of all the 300Ksh I happily dish out to the laundry woman when she magically makes my problems of dirty laundry go away. If only I could learn to wash my clothes.

Minimize your subscriptions- You have HBO, Netflix and Showmax accounts for movies you don’t watch anyway. If you think I’m lying do a poll on how many people actually watch a movie when they’ve been invited over for ‘Netflix and Chill’. None. Only weak people sit there too scared to make a move.

Pay in cash– There’s something about pulling a wad of notes from your pocket. Everyone can see you have money. I can bet this is why celebrities flaunt cash on social media. The thing is, it is easy to resist parting away with hard cash than soft money. That’s why most of you think you have money just because you haven’t touched your Fuliza limit.

Take a staycation. It’s nothing if not obvious that you’ll spend more if you keep hopping from one place to another. Different bars, different hotels, different towns. Same bank account. That 1000 shilling note would not be 450 if you hadn’t gone to greet friends because you got bored.

Lastly, you could bank your money with me. After all, money is the source of all evil, and we’d want to keep you ready for heaven. Now shall we?

Let This Find You

One thing I’ve learnt about long nights, is that they are followed by even longer days. No matter how well you have your night planned out, if the sleep escapes you, you are fucked my friend. You are stuck in a room in the dark wondering if The Purge will ever happen or why people in Medieval Europe decided to murder cats in hope that it would help stop the spread of Black Death.

I am no student of history, neither am I a teacher. Clearly I am a disturbed mind who would rather be doing cocaine in the West rather than hitting the keyboard at this hour. All I can hear outside is the sound of crickets, the croaking of frogs and the deafening silence that engulfs my neighborhood. But my head is like the market day in my village.

I have several kids happily playing with a wooven ball without a care in the world. Well except an innate hatred for the adult that keeps interrupting the game by passing through the field. I can hear the whispered wisdoms of the old men as they pass the Kiko around, but I’m fixated on the young man who’s heart just skipped a beat because the girl he wants just walked in and he cannot afford to lose this opportunity. For reasons I am not willing to admit, I will not tell you how I ignored the village drunk as he, in his drunken stupor appears to be having a very constructive conversation with a sack of potatoes.

I imagine the role of God and assume that He watches over in a bird’s eye view of these creations. He has to, that is the only explanation that makes sense. Otherwise I wonder what hope there is for the children who roam the streets without food or a roof over their heads. I wonder what explanation justifies the current situation in Baringo county. Kids are dying of hunger. And nobody is doing anything about it.

Then sad reality kicks in. I am a devout capitalist whose day at work tomorrow runs the risk of being difficult seeing as I am here not enjoying the much needed sleep. Maybe things will get better one day, or perhaps they might not. But one thing is certain, the wages of sin is death and FYI, if we were voting for the introduction of The Purge, I’d vote yes.

Easter is Cancelled

I keep discovering, in more ways than i care to admit, that energy doesn’t lie. People will laugh with you but also at you. People will extend a feeble hand to help you but push the sabotage button with the other. And there is nothing you can do about it.
Except watch all of it and yet not let it mess with your mojo.

I know motivational quotes are supposed to be simple, witty one-liners that the audience just eat up, but i’ll go ahead and make it a whole story. Sue me if you can. I will most probably hire Saul Goodman (At this point, you need to watch the movie, Better Call Saul) as my attorney and he and I will be laughing all the way to the bank.

Take Johnny Depp’s story for example. Its been six years taking the shit that people throw in his face. Try being an American icon labelled as an abuser and whose side of the story doesnt count for anything. Only for the world to believe now, the same truth you’ve been preaching since day one. In recent developings, it was proven that Amber Heard defeacated on Johnny’s bed and blamed it on the dog. Take a moment and let that play out in your head. How do you tell anyone that that is happennig to you?

Unless of course you are me, who’ll just hit a couple of tequilla shots and recant the incident to anyone who speaks slower than i do. But, i am just a small town bigwig who only dreams of setting foot in hollywood before the start of the world war that is going to wipe us all out. Or perhaps it will be another virus, i cannot tell but the end result is the same regardless…

At this point i guess you are figuring that my faith in humanity is dead. And that no amount of resuccitation is going to bring it back. I have accepted that people are inherently evil. Its a good thing Jesus keeps dying for y’all every Easter.

Have you heard of him?

We must give credit where it’s due. The Twitter love con Immanuel Gift Masinde is a man of many talents. If you thought your man was romantic, you’re in for a rude shock. After having swindled millions from lovestruck women, he made it to the national newspaper, something I haven’t managed to do yet despite my mastery of literature and artistry. Maybe it’s because I’m not charismatic enough or because I don’t have big lancruisers to ensure I drive the talk.

Nonetheless, this guy, despite the moral implications of it, is a guru. Never have I ever thought of texting my woman telling her to show me her tongue. Unless in the event that she happened to bite on it too hard, and she cannot keep that information to herself.

From noticing the tiny details, to asking the right questions, saying the right words and massaging a woman’s heart this guy managed to make multiple women fall in love with him, get this, on their own bill. And not to judge but have you tried hitting on a lawyer? I bet it’s not a half man’s work.

So hats off to the cheat. But every dance must come to an end. We as the fraternity hope you get a taste of your own medicine or better still get all you wanted out of life. After all, even our politicians are lying and stealing from us in broad daylight and all the while doing it with so little style and decorum. At the very least, you made us aware in a very practical way, of the proverb, you catch more flies with honey…than without.

The Last Battalion

If you don’t snooze your alarms in the morning, you should be proud. If you don’t stay up all night when you should be sleeping consider yourself deep state. You, perhaps, are the last of the sane generation. The faith in humanity. While the rest of us proliferate into an unending churn of madness, disappointment, and “I’ll do better next time”, you, my friend stand to have it all.

I keep thinking with all these new strains of Covid 19 arising perhaps the world is really coming to an end. Maybe all those zombie apocalypse movie producers weren’t that crazy anyway. It could be that one blunder would cost us the beautiful abode we call earth. Remind me again, it all started from a sumptuous dinner of bats right?

You could also drop all conspiracy theories and believe in your dreams. After all, the dream is free but what you should never forget is the hustle is sold separately. A good friend of mine observed that human wants are insatiable, and it is in our nature. That’s why you walk into a bar to have one drink for the road, and you end up being that one last drunk that has to be kicked out of the club.

I know you won’t ask me, but I think love is the answer. Either that or endorphins and all the other nice hormones there are. Or drugs. Anything that keeps you marching. The day you accept your fate is the day you are defeated. It is a simple and inescapable feature of life.

So cheers to us that still adhere to grammar rules despite the temptations to circumvent. A special vote of thanks to you who didn’t add “Sipangwingwi” to your vocabulary. (Though the message behind Tanuia’s song is strong if we are being honest) Salute to the people who have unique names for their better halves. I really hope they don’t call you babe. If you didn’t watch the famed Money Heist, you missed out on a healthy dose of entertainment but keep marching soldier!